Life's a Pitch
And then they buy.
I spent about 15 minutes as an advertising copywriter. I got a job at a cool New York advertising agency with the intention of documenting a year with a “real job” for a stand-up special. The stand-up special has now become a weird, kind of depressing comedy TV show that we don’t know what to with. Working in advertising has reshaped how I look at so much media.
“Somebody wrote that” was not a statement I’d ever really made but after spending time in an advertising agency it’s the first thing I think when looking at billboards or watching ads or whatever.
Not only did somebody write that, it had to go through a painful series of approvals, notes and compromises. I once wrote tweets for an alcohol brand, it was demeaning on a number of levels but fascinating on more. This particular alcohol… I think I signed something that said I wouldn’t defame them but I can’t remember so to be safe I’ll keep it vague.
Anyway, this particular spirit had a logo and was named after a slave owner who dabbled in piracy. I’m not saying he downloaded the Secret Life of Pets illegally but I wouldn’t put it past him.
The tweets were ostensibly written by this spokespirate so Talk Like a Pirate Day was a natural fit. I was asked to write a bunch of pirate related jokes to come from this character in the celebration of Talk Like a Pirate Day. I sent them off and the only note was that it sounded “too piratey”.
Too piratey.
When writing as a pirate, using Talk Like a Pirate Day to sell a drink that was used as rations by pirates. This was for a tweet. Billboards, forget it. That’s what every time you see something like this:
How? Dozens of people see this before it gets out the door, yet none of them said, “Why would I search for a place to buy something I’m literally holding”.
If I made a product that could potentially hurt a customers head, or even a product that could make someone think of a hat that’s full of blood, I don’t think I’d use someone who had one of the 3 most famous head injuries in history*.
But somebody wrote that and somebody else said “go with it” and now the 16th President is hocking solutions to male pattern baldness.
It’s not even the writing that gets me, it’s the pitch. How do you get something like that okayed? Hogan’s Heroes was on the other day and all I could think about was how does Hogan’s Heroes a greenlight?
“Look, we have a lot of shows around families, what else have you got? I want some new territory”
“Well, there is one but I’m not sure…”
“Let me hear it and I’ll decide whether there’s something to not be sure about”
“It’s a little unusual…”
“Where’s it set?”
“World War II”
“The Second World War? In the war or during…”
“Both”
“Look, I’m going to stop you there. We’re after comedies. 23 minutes. In and out. Laughs from top to bottom”
“Oh, this is a comedy”
“But you said…”
“It’s about some American soldiers who are captured by German…”
“So your “comedy” is set in a Nazi concentration camp?”
“Well, not a concentration camp but we’ll make sure to employ people that were in them in real life.”
“...”
“Wait, I haven’t explained this very well. There’s this guy Hogan, that’s the star, see? I have the perfect guy to play him, he’s a sex addict!”
“Look, I’m going to stop you there. A show about Nazis capturing a sex addict during one of the most murderous and despicable regimes in human history is the EXACT sort of family sitcom we’re after.”
I always wonder if the person pitching went in trying to sell a heartbreaking and realistic portrayal of cruelty in the theatre of war and the resilience of the human spirit in the face of pure evil. A tale of perseverance and the realisation that race, ethnicity, even judgement itself are nothing more than manmade constructs. And then the studio was like, “We’ve actually changed our minds, we need a lighthearted comedy” and the guy said, “Give me 10 minutes, I can make some tweaks”.
When I was on vacation, Ronald McDonald was the headline guest on Good Morning Hawaii. There was a time when that would be cause for alarm. That we’d strayed so far Ronald McDonald was just providing editorial analysis, that the blur of commerce and the fourth estate’s independence was gone. But not anymore.
Thanks to working in advertising, I know that Ronald didn’t burst onto the set and demand a mic. It was planned, something didn’t make the show because Ronald was coming on to talk about cancer or something. What was rejected?? What wasn’t up to the journalistic highwater mark that is Ronald McDonald? Was the guy who does the séances busy? Did the counting horse get called away on assignment?
Next time you see something confoundingly dumb or in bad taste, imagine the pitch, say, “somebody wrote that” and get on with your day knowing that you’ll always have a job as long as you’re just slightly more intelligent than whoever “wrote that”.
*Top 3 Head Injuries (Unofficial rankings)
Kennedy
Lincoln
Louganis